Match Report: Old Southendians HC 7 – 1 Sudbury HC
A tale of goals, chaos, and a goalkeeping tradition no one asked for.
The reverse fixture between these two hockey powerhouses (fine… enthusiastic hobbyists) was a 0–0 draw played on what can only be described as the Sudbury Recreational Beach, complete with dunes, wildlife, and at least 14 angry Sudbury players.
This time, however, Sudbury arrived with a more modest dozen, thanks to their Army contingent swapping the battlefield for the slopes. Whether it was the calming alpine air or the thinning numbers, they were a far friendlier bunch — though correlation, as we all know, is not causation… probably.
Old Southendians began with poise, panache, and an unusual willingness to pass to each other.
A sweeping team move cut through Sudbury like a warm knife through an underfunded defence. The ball was eventually rolled past the keeper for Jack Andrews to tap in with all the elegance of a man assembling flat-pack furniture. Simple. Effective. 1–0.
Fresh from his heroic 70‑minute comeback cameo at Hertford, where he survived both the opposition and his own hamstrings, Mike slotted home a composed finish to double the lead. A neat goal, a neater new perm.
The Old Boys came out after halftime like they’d been promised early access to the bar if they hit five. Spoiler: they did.
In keeping with the rich cultural heritage of goalkeepers absolutely wiping out Giles, the Sudbury No.1 flattened him with all the finesse of a runaway shopping trolley.
Outcome: 10‑minute yellow.
Bonus prize: a penalty stroke.
Alfie, citing "artistic constraints" and an aversion to defenders in masks, politely declined the stroke.
Up stepped Ben “Mikel Arteta (But Less Shouty)” Cotton, who flicked stick‑side past said masked defender, proving he can do what Alfie can’t.
3–0 and onwards we marched.
With Sudbury temporarily adopting the unorthodox tactic of "not having a goalkeeper," the floodgates opened:
2 goals for Giles, proving that being flattened really wakes a man up
1 for Alfie, showing that while he may have one trick, it’s a good one
A second for Jack Andrews, hungry for the match ball
0 penalty corners for Ben Cotton, who seemingly skipped Arteta’s PowerPoint on set-piece brilliance but also mercifully skipped the bit about spending fortunes to create nil-nil draws.
Sudbury did nab one late on — a sort of “thanks for having us” parting gesture — but the result was long since sealed.
Final score: 7–1. A comprehensive dismantling.
Man of the Match: Haytham-Another midfield masterclass. Calm, elegant, dictating tempo like a young Xabi Alonso — minus the Audi sponsorship.
Jacket of Shame: Giles-For offering a polite nibble of dissent toward a pool umpire whose hockey knowledge appeared to be operating in airplane mode.