It was another glorious afternoon at Warners Bridge as Old Southendian 2s delivered a 5–1 sermon to Maldon 1s — a result so good it might just get its own hymn sheet.

The tone was set early when Ben Cotton smashed the crossbar from an angle tighter than the club budget. The crowd gasped, the crossbar wept, and the opposition breathed a sigh of relief. But not for long — Jack Head decided to actually finish the job, copying Ben’s idea but with one key improvement: hitting the net instead of the metalwork. A wonder goal that opened the floodgates.

Maldon briefly equalised through Callum Baker, but that was about as pleasant as their afternoon got. After halftime, Jonathan “Jesus” Chase (whose divine touch and miraculous hair flow earned him both his nickname and Man of the Match) calmly restored the lead. Ben Cotton, Max Edmonds, and James Waters all joined the fun, each bagging a goal as the scoreline swelled to a heavenly 5–1.

Amazingly, there were no cards. Not even a green. Not even a warning. Truly biblical behaviour from the Southendian saints.

With regular skipper Conor Jury away on a big pilgrimage to St Albans, the armband was handed to Jacket, who led the side like a man possessed — shouting encouragement, organising play, and only occasionally forgetting which pocket he’d put the coin in for the toss. Credit also to Coach Jack Summers, who guided proceedings from the sidelines with his usual blend of tactical genius, passion, and arm gestures that could flag down an aircraft.

Then came the post-match awards:
? Man of the Match: Jesus (Jonathan Chase) — for performing miracles in midfield and spreading the gospel of good hockey.