Old Southendian 2 asserted total control with a ruthless 9–0 away performance. Waters opened the scoring and went on to torment the hosts throughout, bagging five in a display that screamed “power forward” — stepping up despite injury, poor availability, and a last-minute dropout. His season tally moves to 11, attempting to close in on Ben “The Rifle” Cotton.

Pre-game optimism was high after Max confidently remarked “it looks like they actually might have decent umpires.” That optimism didn’t last long. A number of debatable decisions followed, including a perfectly executed second-half volley into the net from Waters being ruled out for dangerous play after the ball popped up from his own mistrap with the defence nowhere to be seen. VAR, unsurprisingly, was unavailable.

With Durban unable to inject at short corners, he reinvented himself as a roaming second-half playmaker, pulling strings and causing chaos — capped off by a casual baseline lob of the keeper to get on the scoresheet.

Jury, confidence (and greed) sky-high after his aerial assist for Waters’ nutmeg finish, then decided it was his turn — driving straight through the middle from left back, ignoring a wide-open forward line and firing home bottom left.

Earlier goals from Toby Jordan (anti-skill for the win!) and Jonathan Chase padded the scoreline. Toby Woods contributed a chaotic display of one-handed hockey, repeated miss traps and spending more time chasing the ball than it spent near his feet despite his assist, while Theo Challender once again resembled Bambi on ice, prompting serious discussion of a GoFundMe for new astros.

Despite five goals, this reporter’s confident claim for Man of the Match backfired spectacularly, earning the Jacket of Shame. MOM instead went to Jack Stevenson, rewarded for keeping both hands on his stick and handing the one-handed hockey crown to Toby Woods for the week.