Today’s conversation is with Umpire Max

Today’s episode features one of the club’s finest officials, the incomparable Max. Calm, fair, stylish and iconic. The only umpire whose on pitch wardrobe is so unique that no team could ever accuse her of clashing with their kit. I adore her and I was thrilled to sit down with her in the clubhouse for this week’s conversation.

Before that chat though, I needed exactly five minutes to cool down. Because today, I was… active. A win is a win, and we take those happily, but my own performance was messy. I earned Dick of the Day and I cannot pretend otherwise.

The build up

The one thirty pushback acts like it gives you time.
It does not.

Ask Amelia, who simply forgot hockey existed for a moment and turned up late.
Classic Ladies 3s.

The weather was chaos
Rain
Wind
Cold
Warmth
Then more wind

And yet Max stood through all of it without flinching.
This is why she is loved.

Beatrice also struggled to sleep because she was too excited.
Standard.

The first half

We settled quickly and put pressure on from the start.

Goal 1, minute 24, Zahra

A loose ball dropped kindly and was tapped in.

Goal 2, minute 28, Lois

A lifted finish with total confidence.

Goal 3, minute 32, Amelia

A clean, calm strike that landed perfectly.

Upminster then snuck one in, making it three one at halftime.

The second half and my unforgettable Max Moment

Now we were attacking at Max’s end
Her territory
Her kingdom

This should have been the moment I remained composed.

We won a penalty corner fair and square.
No drama.
Until an Upminster player announced that I had fallen into the D early.

I train
I lift
I balance
I know exactly where my feet are
There was no falling

We scored from that corner
Jen smashed an absolute beauty
Bottom corner
Crisp and clean

But because Upminster complained, Max did what Max always does
Fair
Measured
Responsible

She checked with the other umpire
And the other umpire made the final call

Corner replayed
Goal removed
Injector lost

I then said
“That is absolute rubbish. They are being sore losers. Your decision is nonsense.”

And the other umpire showed me a green card for dissent
My first card in seasons

Max later confirmed in the clubhouse
If the other umpire had not given it
She probably would have
Not with malice
But with accuracy

I accepted it
Not proudly
But fairly
Because dissent is not acceptable
And they give up their time
And we need them

We kept pushing

We reset, regrouped and attacked again.

Goal 4, Emily

A sharp, confident finish.

Goal 5, Zahra

A simple tap in to close out the game.

Later in the clubhouse, Max said
“It fits the Ladies 3s. You always have at least one goal disallowed.”

Either she confessed
Or I have made the story more dramatic
Listeners can decide

Everyone played their part

Defence

Ros, Megan, Becky, Emma and Emmaline were excellent
Strong tackling
Good shape
Clear communication
Made Ali’s life easy

Midfield

Anna, Amelia and Zahra
Anna controlled tempo and won key challenges
Amelia carried us forward and linked well
Zahra held position and contributed goals

A steady, functional, effective midfield unit.

Player of the match

Amelia
Sharp
Committed
Consistent
Fully deserved

Final thoughts

A solid win
Some chaos
One green card
A very patient umpire
And a reminder that behaviour matters as much as playing

This has been Episode 9
Green Chilli, Green Card and the Gospel According to Max
The podcast nobody asked for

And to Max
Thank you for the conversation
Thank you for the fairness
Thank you for the honesty
And thank you for confirming you would have booked me too

We go again next week
Still spicy
Still dramatic
Still laughing
And still trying not to test the patience of the umpiring community

Shireen